I admit I'm an addict
trying to quit again, maybe 3's a charm
I know my stressors, need to be in the right frame of mind
to actually quit though and I'm not quite there yet
I'm smoking my 2nd cig of the day as I type this because in my addictive mind it helps me think
I threw out all my ashtrays, lighters, matches, etc. the last time I quit
using an ashtray made of crystal that previously served as a very pretty paper weight
It's made so when you lay the butt down, the dome shape keeps the smoke inside
and doesn't fill the air with smoke
Which is nice cause I can hardly stand to smell it myself
Remembering how my house smelled when I returned home yesterday
I could list all my stresses but my intellectual mind tells me they are not the reason
their just excuses
While looking at this disgusting ashtray, I'm seeing the nicotine accumulating
just after using it for a few days
Makes me wonder just what my lungs may look like after 47 years
Whew..that's an eye opener, I suppose now I'm trying to scare myself into quiting
Just a thought because I can't scare myself enough to quit
Quiting is going to have to be an intellectual chose, that I make
It's even occurred to me that I might have a death wish
I say might because I don't want to die, who wants to die
I always say I'm not afraid of death but then I've never been faced with it yet
What scares me more than death is being in pain and suffering in front of my family
and people I love who love me
I never had luck trying to quit for me
but when I think about Kayla and Jared and how much I love them
and want so badly to be there for them as long as is reasonably possible
that really strikes a cord in me that I have a difficult time explaining
in words without crying
In saying that I'm getting up right now and taking that filthy disgusting ash tray to the kitchen
where later I'll clean it up and it'll sit on my desk again as a paper weight
which is what it was intended for
I realize what I should do right now
is take the partial pack of cigs and tear them or cut them to shreds and toss them
but that damn nicodemon is sitting on my left shoulder
After typing all that I've decided I must go back to 'smoking cessation'
and get involved again which I just did!! LOL,
Golly, no wonder writers/authors go to the country for months or years
to be alone with their thoughts
I love to write/ blog
it really puts things into perspective for me
and THANK GOD FOR SPELL CHECK! LOL!
Amazing how good it feels just to make a contructive decision
Hey, it's a start, day by day, hour by hour
whatever it takes
